I woke this morning startled.
I had a dream.
A vivid life-like dream.
I was at church hosting a family ministry event. The room was filled with people. It was buzzing with chatter and children running about. There was a multicolored carpet on the floor where parents sat with their children. Kevin was sitting on the floor. "K" was about 9 months old and laying on the floor in front of him. She was happy. Rolling from side to side playing with her feet. Kevin's father sat in a chair next to them. His legs were crossed with his arm propping up his chin. He was watching "K" with a loving look on his face.
It was about time for me to kick off the ministry event, but I couldn't. I was holding this little girl. She was about 3 years old. Her flawless porcelain skin contrasted against her bright sapphire eyes. They sparkled and shown with love. Loose ringlets of blonde hair framed her face. The rest of her hair sat in a curly pom pom on top of her head. She wore a white dress. It was studded with silver sequins and billowed in a poof of taffeta and tulle around her legs.
She just stared at me. I held her. It felt normal. Nothing like holding just any child. There was a familiarity with holding her. I was needing to start the family ministry event. However, I couldn't. She would not let me put her down. She never cried or fussed, but she wanted to be held more than anything in the world. I simply held her and looked at her.
Suddenly, I realized who she was.
Then I immediately woke up . . . startled.
Back up to 2004. Kevin and I wanted to start a family so badly. In late July we found out we were expecting. The due date was April 3rd. We were overjoyed. The little one quickly developed a nickname . . . Auggie. Kevin and I started thinking and planning for the future. However, on August 11th our joy flipped into despair. I miscarried the baby. The grief was almost unbearable.
The moment of grief turned into hours, then days and then months. This time of mourning brought about so many questions. We considered what our journey would look like. Would we have to go through extensive fertility treatments? Would we consider adoption? There were so many conversations about what our future would hold. However, each talk brought us back to feeling called by God to be parents. We were eventually blessed with our twins "M*" and "S." Then not quite 2 years later God entrusted us to be parents for "K." Eventually we entered into the adoptions of "T" and "M^." Our family has grown and has weathered some pretty rocky storms over the years.
Losing our first child was extremely difficult to say the least. However, out of that Kevin and I had some amazing conversations and really came to an understanding of what God was calling us to. If we had Auggie today we certainly would not have "M*" and "S." If we had not lost Auggie would we have so seriously considered adoption? I don't know the answer to that question. We do not, in any shape or form, believe that God makes bad things happen. However, we do believe that out of tragedy and suffering God can work in our hearts for good. God used this tragedy in our lives to broaden our idea of what it meant to be parents. God used the grief in our hearts to open it to the possibilities of adopting children in need of a family. And finally, last night God used a dream to give me the gift of being able to hold the precious little girl we lost almost 10 years ago.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Smoldering Tuesday . . . 2015
Happy Smoldering Tuesday! You might be wondering . . . what is Smoldering Tuesday? The day before Ash Wednesday has become a very significant day for the Burke family.
It started off back in 2012 with God taking over my mouth and asking Kevin if we were really going to do this adoption thing or not. It was real. I don't remember thinking that thought. It just came out of my mouth. God was totally involved in that! You can read more about our Smoldering Tuesday story on a previous post...
http://ajourneybutnotalone.blogspot.com/2013/09/smoldering-tuesday.html
Smoldering Tuesday started a chain of events that have led to the amazingly wonderful "T" and "M^" joining our family. The beginning of our journey to adoption was significant, however Smoldering Tuesday is now about even more than that for us. That day God worked in both Kevin and I to open our hearts to his will for us and our purpose in the world. That particular day we started a journey. Each anniversary of Smoldering Tuesday we are again reminded of God's love for us, his work within us and also through us.
Kevin and I both feel compelled to continually listen to God speaking into our lives and into the lives of our children. When we take the time to listen here are some of the things we hear . . .
1. Be defined only by "whose" you are.
So many times we as human beings try to define ourselves by stuff. Our houses, our cars, the things around us. We define ourselves by what we are . . . a wife, a son, a teacher, a lawyer. We find all sorts of outside influences to help us define who or what we are. None of those can get at the core of our being. At the core . . . we are God's. We are God's chosen beloved children. Nothing can define us more perfectly. Nothing should ever define us above that.
2. Love others.
This is hard. We are called by Jesus to love others, however not just the others that we want to love. We are called to love all others. The ones it is easy to love as well as the ones that we don't want to love. Our friends and our enemies.
3. Love God.
More than anything else we are called to love our creator and sustainer. He loves us perfectly. We are called to love him above anything else. Nothing should come before God.
It sounds so simple. However, that is the mantra that we are reminded of each Smoldering Tuesday (and quite often in between!) Kevin and I are called to love God, love others and live as children of God. As we walk through life we are called to teach our children the same.
What is God calling you to? What is God saying to you in your life? Make time to talk to God. However, more importantly, make time to listen.
Happy Smoldering Tuesday. Amen.
It started off back in 2012 with God taking over my mouth and asking Kevin if we were really going to do this adoption thing or not. It was real. I don't remember thinking that thought. It just came out of my mouth. God was totally involved in that! You can read more about our Smoldering Tuesday story on a previous post...
http://ajourneybutnotalone.blogspot.com/2013/09/smoldering-tuesday.html
Smoldering Tuesday started a chain of events that have led to the amazingly wonderful "T" and "M^" joining our family. The beginning of our journey to adoption was significant, however Smoldering Tuesday is now about even more than that for us. That day God worked in both Kevin and I to open our hearts to his will for us and our purpose in the world. That particular day we started a journey. Each anniversary of Smoldering Tuesday we are again reminded of God's love for us, his work within us and also through us.
Kevin and I both feel compelled to continually listen to God speaking into our lives and into the lives of our children. When we take the time to listen here are some of the things we hear . . .
1. Be defined only by "whose" you are.
So many times we as human beings try to define ourselves by stuff. Our houses, our cars, the things around us. We define ourselves by what we are . . . a wife, a son, a teacher, a lawyer. We find all sorts of outside influences to help us define who or what we are. None of those can get at the core of our being. At the core . . . we are God's. We are God's chosen beloved children. Nothing can define us more perfectly. Nothing should ever define us above that.
2. Love others.
This is hard. We are called by Jesus to love others, however not just the others that we want to love. We are called to love all others. The ones it is easy to love as well as the ones that we don't want to love. Our friends and our enemies.
3. Love God.
More than anything else we are called to love our creator and sustainer. He loves us perfectly. We are called to love him above anything else. Nothing should come before God.
It sounds so simple. However, that is the mantra that we are reminded of each Smoldering Tuesday (and quite often in between!) Kevin and I are called to love God, love others and live as children of God. As we walk through life we are called to teach our children the same.
What is God calling you to? What is God saying to you in your life? Make time to talk to God. However, more importantly, make time to listen.
Happy Smoldering Tuesday. Amen.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
6 months home and . . . an update on "M^"s health
Tomorrow mark's "M^" being home with us for 6 months. To our family it seems like she's been here with us all along! What a wonderful 6 months it has been!
Our sweet daughter has picked up on language significantly. We can have conversations about school and about church. She can talk on the phone and convey her thoughts and ask questions. The best part is the little phrases that she has absorbed from her friends and family. We hear . . . very often . . . the phrase "seriously"?
"M^, remember you need to eat you vegetables."
"Seriously?"
"M^, are you ready to go to bed?"
"Seriously, Mom?"
It's really cute. She says it with a certain sarcasm that fits into the Burke family beautifully!
School is going well for the most part. She is in some mainstream middle school classes and also has some private tutoring that she's working with as well. What warms my heart more than anything though is occasionally walking down the hallway with her. We can't go 10 steps without a classmate saying hello. It is quite amazing how well the students seem to have accepted her.
When we do highs and lows on Sundays and Wednesday evenings "M^"s high is always church. She loves being at church, she loves going to worship, she loves youth group and confirmation. Our sweet girl has a heart for Jesus and a faith deeper than I can imagine.
As we continue down this road many people are asking how her health is improving. Now that communication is easier, Kevin and I talked with "M^" recently about letting people know what to pray for with her health. We still want to maintain privacy for our daughter as needed while letting all the people that love us know what is going on. So, please read, please pray, but know that this is still her own story to tell.
Overall "M^" is doing well. She has stayed healthy, happy and active.
Her condition has been very serious though. She has been battling chronic osteomylitis for at least 4 years. In Ethiopia, the bone infection had settled in her foot and in her arm causing enormous pain and limited mobility. Essentially it ate away her heel bone and carved a canal in the bone of her right arm. I shudder to think what would have happened if this condition continued untreated.
In September "M^" was finally able to start treatment. After being admitted to a regional children's hospital a bone biopsy was done and a picc line was placed. We began the waiting game. Our fridge was stocked with bags of IV fluid for home use. We made weekly journeys to a local hospital for dressings to be changed. Alcohol wipes. Blood draws. Weekly phone calls with the infectious disease doc. It was pretty intense there for a while. We learned that the bone biopsy revealed nothing. Absolutely nothing. Something caused this infection and we truly have no idea what it is. We never will.
After a few weeks her picc line malfunctioned and it had to be pulled. "M^" was ecstatic! Kevin and I . . . not so much because we knew this meant changing medications and it not being the potent IV antibiotics that she really needed. She was switched to 2 hefty oral antibiotics that she would stay on long term. Then we waited and watched. We're really still waiting and watching.
Back in December we visited her orthopedist. It was a great visit. There were more x-rays taken. There was not much change in her foot. That's a good thing. It means there wasn't any further damage. Her arm however was showing significantly better color in her bones. The drainage point in the bone in her arm was walled off and showing signs of remodeling. Whoo Hoo!!! The meds have been effective and things are looking up! It is still a long road. There may never be a complete recovery. However, we're hopeful and faithful that her health will get better and better as time goes on.
We have also found some other wonderful professionals to work with as well. "M^" goes to physical therapy once a week. She's not fond of it, but it has helped improve mobility for her. The physical medicine folks are still working on some braces and inserts and such. Despite these challenges I am amazed at what "M^" can do. I can't help but brag . . . a couple months ago I was told that during gym class she ran a mile in 8 minutes and 24 seconds. For a young lady with all of these challenges I think that is absolutely amazing! She is a fighter! We'll continue to give updates as this all unfolds.
With reaching the 6 month mark of her being home and all of the updates, I wanted to also thank folks that have supported us along the way. I won't go into names because there are so many! Thank you to all of those that have helped us out, have prayed for us, have been a listening ear to all of our worries and concerns and to those that have donated to our adoption fundraising efforts. I will be closing our go fund me account at the end of February. If there is anyone interested in donating towards finishing out our puzzle fundraiser and helping with "M^"s medical bills here is the website. http://www.gofundme.com/5mkubw
Thanks for your continued and unfailing support! I am so looking forward to sharing more stories of how our family makes this journey together because we are most certainly not alone. God's blessings to you.
Our sweet daughter has picked up on language significantly. We can have conversations about school and about church. She can talk on the phone and convey her thoughts and ask questions. The best part is the little phrases that she has absorbed from her friends and family. We hear . . . very often . . . the phrase "seriously"?
"M^, remember you need to eat you vegetables."
"Seriously?"
"M^, are you ready to go to bed?"
"Seriously, Mom?"
It's really cute. She says it with a certain sarcasm that fits into the Burke family beautifully!
School is going well for the most part. She is in some mainstream middle school classes and also has some private tutoring that she's working with as well. What warms my heart more than anything though is occasionally walking down the hallway with her. We can't go 10 steps without a classmate saying hello. It is quite amazing how well the students seem to have accepted her.
When we do highs and lows on Sundays and Wednesday evenings "M^"s high is always church. She loves being at church, she loves going to worship, she loves youth group and confirmation. Our sweet girl has a heart for Jesus and a faith deeper than I can imagine.
As we continue down this road many people are asking how her health is improving. Now that communication is easier, Kevin and I talked with "M^" recently about letting people know what to pray for with her health. We still want to maintain privacy for our daughter as needed while letting all the people that love us know what is going on. So, please read, please pray, but know that this is still her own story to tell.
Overall "M^" is doing well. She has stayed healthy, happy and active.
Her condition has been very serious though. She has been battling chronic osteomylitis for at least 4 years. In Ethiopia, the bone infection had settled in her foot and in her arm causing enormous pain and limited mobility. Essentially it ate away her heel bone and carved a canal in the bone of her right arm. I shudder to think what would have happened if this condition continued untreated.
In September "M^" was finally able to start treatment. After being admitted to a regional children's hospital a bone biopsy was done and a picc line was placed. We began the waiting game. Our fridge was stocked with bags of IV fluid for home use. We made weekly journeys to a local hospital for dressings to be changed. Alcohol wipes. Blood draws. Weekly phone calls with the infectious disease doc. It was pretty intense there for a while. We learned that the bone biopsy revealed nothing. Absolutely nothing. Something caused this infection and we truly have no idea what it is. We never will.
After a few weeks her picc line malfunctioned and it had to be pulled. "M^" was ecstatic! Kevin and I . . . not so much because we knew this meant changing medications and it not being the potent IV antibiotics that she really needed. She was switched to 2 hefty oral antibiotics that she would stay on long term. Then we waited and watched. We're really still waiting and watching.
Back in December we visited her orthopedist. It was a great visit. There were more x-rays taken. There was not much change in her foot. That's a good thing. It means there wasn't any further damage. Her arm however was showing significantly better color in her bones. The drainage point in the bone in her arm was walled off and showing signs of remodeling. Whoo Hoo!!! The meds have been effective and things are looking up! It is still a long road. There may never be a complete recovery. However, we're hopeful and faithful that her health will get better and better as time goes on.
We have also found some other wonderful professionals to work with as well. "M^" goes to physical therapy once a week. She's not fond of it, but it has helped improve mobility for her. The physical medicine folks are still working on some braces and inserts and such. Despite these challenges I am amazed at what "M^" can do. I can't help but brag . . . a couple months ago I was told that during gym class she ran a mile in 8 minutes and 24 seconds. For a young lady with all of these challenges I think that is absolutely amazing! She is a fighter! We'll continue to give updates as this all unfolds.
With reaching the 6 month mark of her being home and all of the updates, I wanted to also thank folks that have supported us along the way. I won't go into names because there are so many! Thank you to all of those that have helped us out, have prayed for us, have been a listening ear to all of our worries and concerns and to those that have donated to our adoption fundraising efforts. I will be closing our go fund me account at the end of February. If there is anyone interested in donating towards finishing out our puzzle fundraiser and helping with "M^"s medical bills here is the website. http://www.gofundme.com/5mkubw
Thanks for your continued and unfailing support! I am so looking forward to sharing more stories of how our family makes this journey together because we are most certainly not alone. God's blessings to you.
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