I woke this morning startled.
I had a dream.
A vivid life-like dream.
I was at church hosting a family ministry event. The room was filled with people. It was buzzing with chatter and children running about. There was a multicolored carpet on the floor where parents sat with their children. Kevin was sitting on the floor. "K" was about 9 months old and laying on the floor in front of him. She was happy. Rolling from side to side playing with her feet. Kevin's father sat in a chair next to them. His legs were crossed with his arm propping up his chin. He was watching "K" with a loving look on his face.
It was about time for me to kick off the ministry event, but I couldn't. I was holding this little girl. She was about 3 years old. Her flawless porcelain skin contrasted against her bright sapphire eyes. They sparkled and shown with love. Loose ringlets of blonde hair framed her face. The rest of her hair sat in a curly pom pom on top of her head. She wore a white dress. It was studded with silver sequins and billowed in a poof of taffeta and tulle around her legs.
She just stared at me. I held her. It felt normal. Nothing like holding just any child. There was a familiarity with holding her. I was needing to start the family ministry event. However, I couldn't. She would not let me put her down. She never cried or fussed, but she wanted to be held more than anything in the world. I simply held her and looked at her.
Suddenly, I realized who she was.
Then I immediately woke up . . . startled.
Back up to 2004. Kevin and I wanted to start a family so badly. In late July we found out we were expecting. The due date was April 3rd. We were overjoyed. The little one quickly developed a nickname . . . Auggie. Kevin and I started thinking and planning for the future. However, on August 11th our joy flipped into despair. I miscarried the baby. The grief was almost unbearable.
The moment of grief turned into hours, then days and then months. This time of mourning brought about so many questions. We considered what our journey would look like. Would we have to go through extensive fertility treatments? Would we consider adoption? There were so many conversations about what our future would hold. However, each talk brought us back to feeling called by God to be parents. We were eventually blessed with our twins "M*" and "S." Then not quite 2 years later God entrusted us to be parents for "K." Eventually we entered into the adoptions of "T" and "M^." Our family has grown and has weathered some pretty rocky storms over the years.
Losing our first child was extremely difficult to say the least. However, out of that Kevin and I had some amazing conversations and really came to an understanding of what God was calling us to. If we had Auggie today we certainly would not have "M*" and "S." If we had not lost Auggie would we have so seriously considered adoption? I don't know the answer to that question. We do not, in any shape or form, believe that God makes bad things happen. However, we do believe that out of tragedy and suffering God can work in our hearts for good. God used this tragedy in our lives to broaden our idea of what it meant to be parents. God used the grief in our hearts to open it to the possibilities of adopting children in need of a family. And finally, last night God used a dream to give me the gift of being able to hold the precious little girl we lost almost 10 years ago.
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